Days of medical examinations continue.

Perhaps it is the tension of so many unfamiliar things.
After returning home, I am suddenly overcome by an unbearable drowsiness.

I find myself reflecting once again on the preciousness of health.

Ever since the recent endoscopy, even something as simple as being able to breathe normally feels profoundly grateful. It may sound exaggerated, but it is an honest feeling.

Has something changed since I learned I have a serious illness?
If I try to put it into words now, it risks sounding cheap.
Still, there is something within me that has undeniably shifted.

One of those things is this: I should stop doing what I do not want to do.

I believed I had already been living that way, more or less.
But I now realize that the “more or less” was the blind spot.

“I get to be free over there, so perhaps I should endure this part.”

Somewhere inside, there had been a trade-off like that.
Gaining a little freedom in one place while suppressing myself in another.
An unconscious attempt to maintain balance.

It is possible that such small, accumulated stresses slowly eroded the body over time.

At the very least, my heart feels lighter than before.